For most of my life I didn’t really think of myself as an anxious person, much less as someone with OCD. As a matter of fact, I thought of myself as a prepared person who thought through things in a way others just didn’t. I didn’t like to ask others for help doing things, because I didn’t like feeling frustrated with people and if they didn’t do it right (which meant EXACTLY like I would do it) then I would be frustrated with them.
This didn’t seem like the type of anxiety I watched others experience. I just thought I was a driven person that was able to quickly think through multiple scenarios at once and often thought my perspective was the most thorough and complete… so the right one. Ya I hear how arrogant that sounds now, but that wasn’t what I really felt.
In other words, I felt overwhelmed with overthinking
I actually felt afraid a lot. Worried that something horrible was going to happen, I didn’t know what but it was going to be unbearable. I felt so stretched thin so often that it didn’t seem like I could handle anything going awry. So I found myself doubling down on doing everything the most efficient way possible to avoid any problems, ever. I believed my mind was able to see or perceive danger in order to prevent it from happening. So the 90 scenarios I went through logged all possible bad problems.
Sure, no one wants problems in their life or wants to be inefficient. But this wasn’t really ‘let’s do our best to keep it from happening’, it was ‘I am never going to recover if it happens.’ Which is suspiciously how OCD can make you feel. As I learned more about OCD and how compulsions work, I realized this wasn’t me simply being on top of things. This was me trying to avoid uncertainty by doing things perfectly.
If you had asked me, I would have said I felt more like an easily frustrated person… dare I say angry. It didn’t feel like what I saw others with anxiety experience. That is because OCD is not just anxiety. It can cause anxiety and for many it does. It can also drive feelings of shame, guilt, dread, and overwhelm, to name some more. All of this while you are just trying to do normal things and live a normal life.
What OCD Actually Is
OCD is a disorder that is characterized by intrusive and unwanted thoughts, feelings, images, impulse, or ideas that come to mind against your will. Sometimes they are totally opposite of who you are as a person, causing shame and self anger for having them. Because these intrusive thoughts are so upsetting we will do what feels like anything to make them go away. These are called compulsions.
Compulsions are behaviors or acts you feel driven to perform to make the intrusive thought not come true or go away. Sometimes these are things others can see, like handwashing or asking for reassurance. Sometimes they are invisible, like rumination or replaying. OCD can show up in so many different ways from person to person, even if there is a lot of overlap in the types of intrusive thoughts.
I like to think of OCD as a cog that functions the exact same way each time it is activated. It just looks different from sufferer to sufferer. That’s a part of why OCD is so under diagnosed. Someone may be experiencing rumination and have a history of childhood trauma. Making it more difficult to see whether the source of the rumination is trauma or OCD. It’s important to know the difference for the best treatment outcomes. This matters because OCD isn’t responsive to traditional therapy and may worsen with it.
The Good News: OCD Is Very Treatable
OCD is very treatable. You just need a therapist that understands what is going on and is trained in Exposure and Response Prevention or inference based CBT. The former, ERP, is the gold standard in treatment. That is where everyone should start with OCD treatment.
Whether you’re in Oklahoma or Washington, if any of this feels familiar, you don’t have to keep carrying it alone. I’m here if you have questions, please reach out or schedule a free consultation. I am a licensed therapist in Oklahoma and Washington and accepting new patients.
