An oversimplified test of if you are overthinking your relationship or if your relationship has genuine problems is to ask yourself these questions:
First, rule out abuse
Is my partner abusive in any manner (mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, etc)? If yes, then you have relationship problems.
Are your values actually incompatible?
If you are in a safe relationship, then ask yourself: Are your values incompatible? Values are something you do not negotiate or compromise on in a relationship. They are specific to you and a part of your identity.
Here is an example. Incompatible values could look like you are a Christian and they are Catholic and you want a partner that has the same theological views as you. If they aren’t willing to convert, that is incompatible. However, if you value the freedom in the relationship to worship whichever way you choose, and it doesn’t matter if they also match your religious beliefs, that can be compatible if your partner views it the same or similar way.
Could Overthinking Your Relationship really be Relationship OCD (ROCD)?
Now that you are through those questions, it is time to rule out, or in, a possibility of Relationship OCD (ROCD).
- Does this feel urgent? (And unrelated to abuse.) Urgency is a feeling typically associated with deadlines that have extreme consequences (paying rent for example) or life and death situations.
- Am I ruminating/dwelling/replaying scenarios over my relationship even when I don’t intend or want to?
- Is this interfering with my ability to enjoy my relationship?
- Do my thoughts feel intrusive and against my will?
These questions aren’t meant to diagnose you with ROCD or to eliminate the diagnosis altogether. However, they are a sort of guide to help you decide if it’s time to work with a therapist.
Why relationships never feel certain
Relationships can be inherently difficult for many practical reasons like work schedules, finances, emotional needs, or even children to name some common reasons.
In our fast paced society, it is difficult to allow for uncertainty. It doesn’t feel like you have time to not know for sure. The issue is that relationships aren’t ever certain. Regardless of how good of people you both are or how compatible you both may be. Relationships have multiple variables, some unpredictable and unexpected, that can impact the stability of the relationship.
I know you are thinking that you have predicted all the worst case scenarios. That you have thought through all the what-if’s to have a plan or be prepared should the worst case scenario come true, classic overthinking your relationship signs. And I imagine you have thought through a lot and probably still think about them a lot. But what is being missed here is the fact that your brain is wanting certainty about something that hasn’t happened, that there isn’t an indication that it is going to happen, and that it is only preparing for “war” instead of happiness.
Isn’t that suspicious that when your mind is off overthinking your relationship, it is always the most feared outcome and not that things could be ok? I am always a little more curious when someone is thinking like that. Curious why that is what they are focusing on and curious what does it mean if it comes true? The need for certainty is a common theme among Relationship OCD.
What the “what-ifs” actually sound like
ROCD can appear in a new relationship out of the blue or it can be a pattern you recognize when looking back at your relationships over time. Regardless of when it shows up, it can feel debilitating and cause you to feel trapped or stuck in your mind. Constantly circling around what-if’s like what if I am not in love with my partner? What if my partner doesn’t really love me and they are too nice to tell me? What if this {random thing that happened} is a sign our relationship is falling apart? What if the problem is me in the relationship and I can’t see it? The what-if list can go on and on.
And what might feel worse, is you may not relate to any of these or only one of the what-if’s listed. That is confusing when you are just trying to find answers about if overthinking your relationship means you have ROCD or not. This underscores the reason to work with a therapist trained in diagnosis and treatment of OCD. A therapist trained in Exposure and Response Prevention, the gold standard, is a perfect place to start. An emerging treatment, Inference-based CBT trained therapist can also help.
Why you can’t fully sort this out alone
There is nuance to proper diagnosis, making it impossible to detangle with certainty on your own, because other overlapping diagnoses like trauma (PTSD), etc. Having a trauma history can cause rumination and intrusive thoughts. Those thoughts are motivated by different reasons, and someone can be struggling with both diagnoses.
Let’s figure this out together
If you are struggling with your relationship. Trying to determine if you are the problem, if your partner is the problem, or if the relationship is the problem, I have openings for new patients. Schedule a free consultation and let’s explore this.
If you want to read more about ROCD check out the resources on the IOCDF website, linked here.
