Is relationship OCD (ROCD) a real diagnosis?
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is what professionals refer to as a sub-type of OCD. It isn’t a separate diagnosis from OCD, it is actually OCD but focuses on how OCD impacts relationships. That is because the OCD cycle is the same, regardless of what it attaches to. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, otherwise known as OCD, negatively affects many people daily. It is characterized by intrusive and unwanted thoughts, feelings, or urges that feel wrong or off-putting to the person, followed by compulsive behavior to try and quiet the anxiety, shame, fear, and dread caused by those thoughts.
Can you have ROCD without "classic" OCD?
No you can’t have ROCD and not OCD. The diagnosis in the DSM is OCD.
Due to media and movies, etc, there is a huge misconception of what OCD looks like in daily life. Causing tons of people to live without the correct diagnosis and definitely not getting the correct treatment. So the industry started referring to sub-types of OCD, such as relationship OCD.
Is ROCD a part of OCD?
OCD behaves the same, regardless of which sub-type, such as ROCD, you identify with. It is a very predictable loop. Something triggers the obsessive thought that feels so unbearable to have you want to make it go away or keep it from coming true. The behaviors to make it go away or prevent it from happening, even if they are mental like rumination, are called compulsions. A short way to think of OCD is trying to prevent something from happening.
What does ROCD feel like?
As a disclaimer, it is impossible for me to describe exactly what you are experiencing. If you don’t see your exact experience described, that doesn’t rule out OCD. Please see a professional if you aren’t sure.
If you struggle with ROCD, the trigger can even be having a good time with someone you love (friends, family, coworkers, intimate partners). Practically anything can trigger an intrusive and unwanted thought about your relationship. Often thoughts like what if they really don’t like me, what if they think I was rude to them, am I annoying to them, do I really love my partner, does my partner love me? Or replaying scenarios to find where you upset them.
Compulsions suck, but they are the only way a person with untreated OCD knows how to get relief. If you struggle with the ROCD sub-type of OCD, you might experience mental compulsions such as replaying conversations over and over, rumination, reassurance seeking by remembering nice things the other said or did, reassurance seeking by asking others for reassurance that things are ok and you haven’t done anything wrong. These are the most common but not the only ways compulsive behavior occurs. It can also cause you to list all the ways you are a good person when you feel like that is being challenged.
Typical relationship doubts versus Relationship OCD:
Why ROCD Worsens with Time
Over time, OCD is more and more demanding. It wants more compulsions or more time doing the same compulsions. Eventually you might find yourself avoiding things to prevent intrusive thoughts and compulsions. This might even look like less time with family or friends.
The other side of a compulsion is, it provides temporary relief. So it is impossible to stop engaging in compulsive behavior if there isn’t another way to quiet that intrusive thought. This is also why appropriate treatment is necessary. Traditional talk therapy can worsen or embolden the OCD cycle. This is because traditional talk therapy can inadvertently be used as a compulsion providing reassurance or even space to verbally ruminate. This can cause you to suffer more and longer.
Typical Relationship Doubts | OCD Relationship Doubts |
| After an argument questioning if things are ok. | After a normal day, persistent questioning and replaying if things are ok |
| Wondering if they are open to sharing locations. | After being asked to share locations. Questioning if you love them enough or if you should break up because you don’t know if you will forever and always love them. |
| Noticing they haven’t texted in a while and assuming they are busy at work. | Checking all their social media interactions to affirm you aren’t missing a clue things aren’t ok because you can’t seem to get it off of your mind |
What helps? Do I need a diagnosis to get support?
The gold standard of treatment for OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy, or ERP for short. ERP is a specialized treatment that helps you slowly, and in a calculated, safe way practice not responding to triggers with compulsive behaviors. Basically you are learning how to stop engaging in compulsive behaviors, turning down the alarm bells on the scary thoughts, and learning how to let meaningless thoughts remain just that, meaningless thoughts.
Likely if you are here, you have read all there is to know about relationships and you are still struggling. Perhaps you have even sought out therapy before but it didn’t provide lasting relief. Like I said, OCD functions by a unique set of rules that traditional therapy can worsen. If you are curious if you fit the criteria for possible ROCD and live in Washington or Oklahoma, schedule a free consultation and let’s explore that together.
Want to read more, the IOCDF is a great resource! Right click to open in a different tab to read later.
